Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
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He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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