you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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