I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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