I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize