if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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