the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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