you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
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I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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