It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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