You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
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So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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