I accidentally had phone sex last night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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