Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
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Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
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oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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