Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
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he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
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you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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