I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize