Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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