So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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