even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
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You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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