I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
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He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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