I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
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Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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