Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
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I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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