We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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