Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
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It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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