Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

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(973): i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house http://tfl.nu/qme2

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(618): View more from Illinois

In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.

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(618): In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it. http://tfl.nu/dx0b

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.

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(+44): I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk. http://tfl.nu/9idz

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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(402): The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again. http://tfl.nu/sd6x

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(315): careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there.... http://tfl.nu/ypb5

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"

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(970): I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983" http://tfl.nu/egdi

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(615): View more from Tennessee

To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...

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(615): To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels... http://tfl.nu/f4i6

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(513): Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything. http://tfl.nu/e1ys

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi

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(412): just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi http://tfl.nu/nlgm

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(217): View more from Illinois

4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket

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(217): 4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket http://tfl.nu/mc6u

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

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(610): You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude. http://tfl.nu/8276

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(512): View more from Texas

I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?

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(512): I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts? http://tfl.nu/sh8w

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

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(603): I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand http://tfl.nu/gtek

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(775): View more from Nevada

I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms

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(775): I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms http://tfl.nu/bwoh

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION

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(610): IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION http://tfl.nu/utlo

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