I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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