it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize