Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
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I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
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He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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