I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize