There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
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I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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