I think I won the penis lottery.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
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and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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