Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
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Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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