now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
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wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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