He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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