Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I pour the whiskey from now on
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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