maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize