There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
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I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
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We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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