take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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