Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
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he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
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Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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