And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
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You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
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I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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