Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
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Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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