Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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