I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
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we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize