I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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