I looked at my own cervix.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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