my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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