saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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