I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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