Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize