I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize