im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
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Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
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Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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