sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
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On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
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Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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