My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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